By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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