I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
