peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
