i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
