I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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