Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he thought i was a dude.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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