Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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