I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
