i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Use "feeling words"
Yay
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
