I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
