We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
