my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
