I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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