So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
