would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
