is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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