I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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