my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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