Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
