I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
