i just wanna soil my oats bro
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
