You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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