nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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