Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
