Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
