No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
