when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
