Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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