Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
