i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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