I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
