im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
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I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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