when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
