im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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