i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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