is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
