wanna go halves on a baby?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
