Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
