walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
