I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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