I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
