Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
