you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Randomize
