his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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