After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
