If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
