but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
