You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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