Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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