How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
