New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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