The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
